I read a post from another blogger recently that pretty well sums me up this past 2 weeks (you can read Heidi's sentiments for yourself if you so desire: www.heidichronicles.com/2008/03/05/drifting)
Basically, I feel at odds with my entire life - job, spouse, and definitely kids. Just a general disconnect from who I thought I'd be at this point in my life and where I can see myself going from where I really am.I thought if I put off aknowledging it it would go away, but after reading Heidi's blog I realized maybe it would be better to just get it out here and get it out of my head.
I know part of this is just my monthly down spiral and that next week I'll probably be up again. Part of it is my upcoming birthday and I always have a feeling this time of year that no one really gives a crap to celebrate me or my birth 34 years ago (that's a whole different "pity party" post...). Or maybe it's just the weather and tired of being cooped up in the house with my kids all the time (while we good go outside in the semi-freezing temps, I really don't want to deal with sick kids).
Right now, I just don't care what is the cause behind it as I'm not really caring about anything.
What I'd really like right now is a week vacation - BY.MY.SELF. All alone, me, and a hotel room and a beach somewhere warm. A couple of books for each day, a jacuzzi tub, a weight room, NO PHONE and possibly no computer. A place where I can feel free to go out dancing for a night and then sleep the next day. Where I can do some writing and reading without feeling like I'm neglecting anyone or anything. A place where there's no laundry or dishes, no kids to get ready in the morning or meals to make 3 times a day. Where I can just me - Terese - not mom, wife, co-worker, support guru, worship leader, or any other title that's been put on me. But, for the next 12 years minimum I know I'm not going anywhere alone for more than one night and usually that's not even alone - it's either me and the kids or me and Joe...or all of them! Maybe it's all the testosterone in my house that's getting to me??
So, don't expect a lot of updates or positive feedback on anything tonight or this weekend or maybe for the next few weeks. If you work with me, I'm sorry if I bite your head off. If you're related to me, well, you're probably used to this personality. Tired of it, but still nothing new. Don't take any of it personally - it really has nothing to do with you.
Anyway, just wanted to put that out there. Enjoy YOUR night...
3 comments:
Oh honey, I feel your pain. I will be praying for you. I love you!
Hey, I am not a mom but a dad, but I totally get what you are saying. I am 34 and literally just wish I was dead. The one person who should care is oblivious. :(
Hey there Ace- I can so totally understand you and hope that this week is a bit better My birthday is coming up too and I can't believe I'll be 37. Yikes! So close to 40 it's not even funny. Most of the time, I feel very fortunate that I have a wonderful family and new job, but I also miss- truly miss - those days when I could just nap, read a book and just BE ME BY MYSELF. It goes along with what Virginia Woolf wrote about- every woman needs a room of one's own to escape into. Also, don't ever think that no one cares about you because you do soooo much for your family and church- a lot of people are touched by you you just don't realize it.
Post a Comment